Out

My diary. My venting place. My word-playground. I miss this blog. I like the China blog, but it isn't as personal. With limited people to talk to here, I feel I've needed this blog more than ever, but of course have had no time. So many times I instinctively reach for my phone to call mom/sister/friends to share a funny story or complain about an annoyance. Here it bottles up, bubbles over, evaporates away. I forget why I was laughing, why I wanted to cry.

I'm not alone. I have Collin and Sixiao. My saviors in a world of insanity. They are always willing to listen to my incessant babbling. I've gotten closer to both of them than I could ever imagine. Too close to Collin, as we both kid constantly. Might as well be married, he says. Gross. We know. But with just us few to talk to, it isn't the same. Things happen and feelings arise and I keep a lot of them inside.

Long ago, I titled my blog Inside & Out. Lately I've been lacking the out.

My eyes and brain are heavy with sleep but I need to let some of it go. Now.

First: Chivalry.

Is it truly dead? I refer to the world, but especially to China. Did it ever exist here? No one has ever held a door for me here, unless they're a paid doorman. Not once. I can remember distinctly the few times that a person has yielded the way for me on the street. I can recall each of the 3 events vividly, mainly due to my utter surprise.

Can you take 3 seconds out of your day to briefly hold a door? Let me in or out of the elevator first? I do it for you. You don't notice.


Second: Men.

Where are the "good guys?" Where do they live? Are they in hiding? Do they exist?

"Sixiao," I say, "I'm not arrogant, but he doesn't seem to realize I'm a catch, and I'm not okay with that."

"You ARE a catch," she emphatically agrees, "a really good catch."

"Do you want to be my catch?" I playfully ask. "How can two beautiful, intelligent, independent girls like us not meet decent men? How can that be?"

"I don't know. We have to keep looking."

I've lived in a city of 3 million people and now a city of 20 million people, yet my dating pool seems to be consistently small. I can only hope I'm living in the wrong cities.


Third: Music.

I miss live shows. I miss concerts. I miss my piano. I miss hearing new tunes. I miss, miss, miss music.


Fourth: Self consciousness.

Is stupid. I know. But we all have it. No one is 100% happy with themselves. I'm fighting a small bout now. If I were still in San Diego, my skin wouldn't be battling smog and pollution and dust and dry air. My body wouldn't be adjusting to a new diet or lacking exercise. I would feel healthier, look better, be happier.


Fifth: Death.

Inevitable. Clearly. Inescapable. Obviously. Comes later for some, happens quicker for others. My uncle died today. Suddenly. He was old, but too young to die. I had to find out via email. I felt empty. I still haven't told my visiting cousin-- it is her uncle too. Her friends are with her and it was one of her friend's birthday today. How can I spoil a day celebrating life with the sad news of death?


This week has been a rollercoaster of emotion. Friday: excitement and joy. Mom comes to Beijing. I won't believe it until I see it.