I Have A Serious Problem

Before you get freaked out, I don't really have a serious problem (but thank you kindly for your immediate concern). I have a comical, serious problem. It is impossible for me not to speak (and think) in Dumb and Dumber lines. I inform people I meet that I am bilingual-- I speak English and I speak Dumb and Dumber. I have been somewhat obsessed with this movie since I saw it in the theatre at the young age of 11. However, it took quite a few years and a countless number of viewings to arrive at where I am now: I basically know the movie word for word. This is not an exaggeration. While I cannot sit here and blindly recite the full script, if I were to turn it on and pause it before each line, I could probably announce the movie, line by line, with 94% accuracy.

Now, to exacerbate this problem, all three of my siblings are also fluent in Dumb and Dumber. It used to be that when the four of us got together, each of us would jump in here and there with a specific quote at an opportune time. Every time one of us would interject with the perfect line at the perfect moment, much laughter would ensue, but more importantly, great respect was given for utilizing the most appropriate line. I think this is where the constant search for the best lines began-- it became a subconscious contest among the siblings as to who could say the most lines, the best lines, and especially the most creative lines. If you were able to state a quote that had not been previously stated (and it worked well) it was that much more hilarious and that much more ingenious. (As I wrote the word ingenious, in my head I heard Harry's voice saying "Genius Lloyd.. Sheer genius!" I am not joking. It is that bad.)

We recently went on a 50 mile bike ride as a family. My older brother used 3 different applicable quotes within the first 20 minutes of the ride, and I was secretly angry. He used them all already. How selfish! Now what will we do for the next 4 hours? However, my worries were unwarranted. As we took a break, a homeless man walked by us and said, "Be careful, there's a lot of bad drivers out there!" I was stunned. My siblings said nothing, but immediately turned their eyes on me, as my mouth transformed from a shocked gape to a gigantic smile. YES!! That was incredible! A random bum said a D&D line to us, nearly verbatim! Hands down the greatest moment of the bike ride. (Unfortunately, no one ate shit, which would have been the greatest moment of the ride. We're such a loving family.)

Other examples that demonstrate my obsessive-compulsive D&D syndrome:

• To this day, the greatest pick up line that was ever used on me was: "So what are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me hanging out tonight?" (I literally called home to proclaim I would marry this man)
• The word "horny" is not in my vocabulary. The correct term is: "I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy"
• I have integrated lines for everyday use, e.g. "Ya.. I work out" is a modified line that is a suitable answer for everything

For some inexplicable reason, my problem seems to be getting worse. I have become overly excitable when someone (usually a family member) uses a new line because we've essentially used them all. Just recently, my little brother did a perfect execution of a novel line. I was telling him how I had just met a guy and called him the next afternoon to see what he was up to. He said, "I'm at Fashion Valley with some friends." Strangely, I was actually pulling into Fashion Valley's parking lot at that moment. I was in my 'running-errands-on-a-Saturday-afternoon-get-up' and really didn't want to see him right then. So when the guy asked what I was up to, being a terrible liar, I just sputtered: "I, uhhh.. I um, I'm actually, uhh.." At this point in my story, Ryan jumped in with, "I.. I was JUST SHAVING!!" I exploded into laughter, shooting beer out of my nose. Painful, yes, but definitely worth it.

Further, I now will unintentionally think D&D lines in my head, while I'm completely alone, and then laugh out loud... to myself. Earlier this week, I became super excited when I passed a Mobile Pet Grooming truck on the freeway. "It's a shaggin wagon," I thought to myself, "Chicks dig it!" Later that same day, I was looking at a purse I would've really liked, but it had excessive decor on it. My mind shot to Lloyd and Harry's outfits as they descend the hotel steps, handing out huge tips to everyone. "Hmm.. I like this bag, but it's a little too 'Heeere ya go' for me." Heere ya go? Apparently "Heere ya go" is now my term for excessive decor. I laughed to myself again, but this time I was laughing at myself. My D&D syndrome has definitely reached an unhealthy level.